Holiday gatherings and party conversations require some finessing and forethought to bring out the best in all involved. Lackluster or even dreadful stories of family holidays past serve as a perfect reminder of what not to do and how to change up the patterns for a more enjoyable time.
There are conversation do’s including:
Talk less, listen more
Less is more when it comes to answering small talk questions
Strive to have reciprocal conversations
Seek to bring out the best in one another
Know and read your audience for the best outcomes
And there are also some useful don’ts, that when put into practice can create the perfect road to a successful holiday gathering. When conversing at your holiday get togethers, keep these in mind…
Don’t stand too close, leave a full arms length between you and the person with whom you are speaking. Numerous studies show that we have perceptible energy fields around us that define our personal space. And unless two people are mutually intentionally close, we need to observe a certain physical distance out of respect for ourselves and others. An arms length or more is appropriate when face-to-face. Even more comfortable for others is standing slightly angled, side by side, with a foot or two in between. This honoring of personal space allows people to feel safe and breathe freely.
Refrain from controversial topics such as politics or religion. There is a time and a place to discuss these, but they most often destroy the good cheer of holiday gatherings, especially if people hold vastly different views. The holidays give us the opportunity to find common ground and focus on what is good and loving among us all.
Be careful not to ask questions that are too personal, such as “How much did you make this year?” or “What did you pay for that?” or the dreaded, “How much do you weigh now?” There are ways to show your interest by asking more general questions such as “ How is your work going so far this year?” or “That is a beautiful piece, where did you find it?” or “You are looking so great, what’s your secret?”
Avoid offering a solution unless asked. There is no better conversation stopper than an unsolicited solution. I have been on both sides of this dynamic. Solution focused by trade, I have to consciously turn down the volume of that mode outside of my work. My adorable son, wise as he is, often lets me know at the outset of a conversation if he needs a good listener or some solution ideas. After too many times when I asked, “Have you tried this…” He finally gently told me, “Mom, I don’t need a solution from you, I just need you to listen so I can figure it out myself.” Beautifully and kindly put.
I know what it is like to be on the other side of this dynamic as well, when someone offers solutions that I have not requested, and most often that I have already thought through, done or dismissed. There is an underlying message that comes across when imposing an unrequested solution. It says,” I know better than you, move over and let me show you.” That can be demoralizing for the receiver, unless you actually are the undeniable expert and they have solicited your input. So, note to myself, and possibly to yourself, unless otherwise invited, listen with curiosity and interest, not with a running commentary of solutions in most conversation, but especially at parties and family gatherings during the holidays when the mood is meant to be lighter.
Avoid lecturing, personal documentaries, or one man/woman shows, unless requested. This is sort of a variation on the themes of “keep it short” and leave room for others. Some people have a lot of information and stories in their heads that just have to come out sometimes. And this is perfectly fine as long as the speaker is sensitive to whether it is interesting to others. No one wants to be lectured at a party, and no one wants to be in the uncomfortable situation of feeling trapped in a corner with someone who is indulging in regaling stories that have no meaning to anyone but themselves.
That said, I know a few people who feel very strongly that if they don’t entertain in a big way with stories and jokes, that their party will be a bust. Their intentions are truly good. The thing is though, most people walk away from a party with joy in their hearts when they personally feel that they have been seen, heard and valued. It’s a balancing act.
Don’t stay in an uncomfortable situation. Always feel free to excuse yourself from an uncomfortable dynamic or conversation. This can most often be accomplished with grace and ease when you have a few ideas up your sleeve. When cornered by a loud talker, a quick “Will you excuse me, I need to find the powder room.” Or, you can reach for your cell phone, and say, “Excuse me, I need to take this.” Or some variation on that theme.
With these do’s and don’ts you can navigate the dynamics of any gathering and bring out the best in yourself and others. Happy Thanksgiving to you, and blessings on you and your loved ones.